Fallout

After another month+ the stake approved a replacement for me. The bishop wanted me to talk to the Stake President to see if that would stave off the inevitable that he expected.  I said that would be fine and I showed up in his office. Again, I'm not trying to ruin anyone else's happiness and I had no "anti" agenda.  In my mind, it just isn't true and no matter how much they try to focus on the "good" that the church does, I didn't sign up for a spiritual club, I thought the church was true and it just isn't.  Fact.  And when I couple that with the fact that the church is against the very human rights issues that I care about, it became an adversary for love and harmony in the name of a doctrine that simply isn't true.

I didn't even bother explaining to the Stake President my side.  No debate.  I simply said that my wife and I are happy, we see a bright future, you don't need to worry about us and he seemed to agree and we ended the meeting.  I'm not sure he even suspected the full details.

Later that day, we showed up for my official release.  I was conducting the services still as it was my month in the bishopric.  I gave a little testimony in my usual style encouraging peace, harmony, acceptance and love.  Mostly I said how grateful I am for all of the wonderful friends and I pleaded with them not to abandon me or my family.  The members of the congregation assumed that my release was because it was just too much work for me, and that was fine with me. I got some kind words and accepting handshakes and it was done.  I didn't return for another Sunday.

Rebecca needed to leave it all behind with a fresh start, to say to herself she finally let it all go. So she hopped a plane and went on a trip for a few days.  I had the kids during that weekend and I needed my own purge still. I carefully bundled up all our church stuff, I cleaned out both of our underwear drawers of the garments and other stuff and I just threw it all away. It felt good.  Far better than I thought.  It was my mental clean break.  

I saved one pair, sealed, in a plastic bag along with the set of temple clothes I have. I did this only so that if there is ever a day when my kids want to understand why and how deep the church goes, I can show them. Or if they are ever tempted to date a Mormon boy/girl I can give them a far better demonstration than the emotional half-speak of missionaries.  All prospective members should know from day 1 what they are signing up for, and the temple ceremonies aren't exempt from that.

Anyway, I felt relieved during all of this. I knew many of our friends would try to help us back in, I wasn't worried about any of that. And there just wasn't any doubts here. I think the hardest piece was reconciling myself with the fact that I just didn't know what the future held.  The church is incredibly good at prescribing all of that. Sadly, it doesn't matter how detailed and confident you are about it, none of this is reality. Believing isn't enough to make something untrue into true.

But there is a freedom and peace in the uncertainty too.  I no longer have the supreme confidence that I know what the future holds, but I'm free to explore.  The world has sincerely become a more bright and vibrant place, I mean that honestly.

That day when I collected our old things, it was a sunny summer weekend.  The windows were open and the fresh air continued to lazily wash out the stale air in the house.  I wrapped everything in bags, dropped them outside and did a nice vaccum and then I laid down on it, watched the clouds roll by while the sun shined through the window on me.  I was happy.  

When my wife returned from her trip, she was renewed, and fully ready to move on.


For sure, we had several conversations with friends in the weeks following.  I was surprised how many either didn't fully believe but still had fervent desires to stay or that just didn't want to know either way.  But we felt no need to convince anyone.  I haven't turned into a missionary in the opposite direction.  We had some funny encounters too.  One friend in passing at the store said "Boy you really shook things up."  Well, true enough.