We're all recovering
I have this periodically recurring dream that I know is a fairly common one. It's the one where I return to school only to find out that I forgot about a class/test I was supposed to be attending but I just can't figure out where or how to make it happen. A common variation for me is I've been called back on my mission and can't for the life of me figure out why I'm there.When looking into myself, I realize this kind of feeling is driven by that ever-present LDS engagement where we always have something we're supposed to be doing. Even when I don't think I do, I still do. Youth nights, interviews, meetings, thurs. night adult activities, home/visiting teaching, Saturday moves, and I missed scriptures morning and/or night, prayers, new member visits, ward councils, PPIs, splits, dinner with the elders.
It's an enormous relief to be out of all that, at the same time, after talking to many other people about their experience leaving the church, I've found that the damage is much deeper.
The church deeply grips our sense of self-worth and fills us with doubt, judgement and feelings of inadequacy. What's crazy when I told this to a still-Mormon (TBM) friends recently this person said that is the way it should be... it's the spirit prompting us not to do bad things and to make ourselves better people.
Damn, that is so screwed up. And I used to think the same thing not all that long ago.
Do we deserve or want adversity?
I remember once the Bishop asked me to help give a 5th Sunday talk and it was based on a conference talk on adversity. In this talk, a GA quoted a former prophet that used to pray for more challenges and adversity so he could be worthy.I went ahead and read that quote in the class and instead of saying anything about it I asked the room (full of the adult men and women of the ward) how they felt about that quote. One brother spoke up and said:
"I seriously don't get it. I have plenty enough adversity, who in their right mind prays for it?"Mormons, that's who.
On another occasion a friend confided that his wife will periodically say things like "Things are going too well." or "God will be sending a trial our way." No Mormon is a stranger to that kind of statement... it's part of the doctrine even. I've told it to myself, testified about it in meetings and everyone nodded their heads in agreement.
Yes, we've been fucked up with this kind of insanity, and we embrace it. That is the LDS mentality, we deserve to be beaten down in fact we need it. It's a true sign god loves us.
LDS Women & Men and Perfection
I've found that for women, this kind of thing is incredibly destructive. Women's issues deserve a blog post of their own but I'll at least say that the prevailing attitude for women is one of "What am I doing wrong? Everyone else is smiling and happy, I must be doing something bad/wrong." Not knowing of course that most of the other women in that room are thinking the same thing.I'm not suggesting that all women hate themselves, but I've yet to meet a woman that is truly immune to this kind of mental damage.
And for men, we spin a new flavor on it, we tell ourselves that we are expected to be humble... because we don't deserve anything. We're fallen, We're the natural man.
The end result is the same for all of us.
We think we are all unworthy, our thoughts (sexual thoughts?), our actions (the devil's angels are always watching us to make us fall), our food/sustenance ("Am I overweight?" or "I drank coffee/coke/tea/beer"), and every word that comes out of our mouth ("I just cursed when I broke the vase" or "I just yelled at the kids in anger").
Quest for Perfection Fallacy
I'm going to summarize this whole problem as being the "quest for perfection fallacy". Every week we're expected to try to be better than the week before, or at least not get "worse". Fuck perfection. Yes, embrace that phrase, tell it to yourself frequently.Was Joseph Smith beating himself up after he had his first affair with Fanny Alger? Years before the "sealing power" was even given to him, years before he started getting polygamy revelations? Was Brigham Young beating himself up for his involvement and coverup of the Mountain Meadows Massacre? Do you really think that your f-bomb holds a spark to those infernos?
Honestly, I don't know if there is a god at this point, (I'm 100% certain nobody else knows for sure either) but if there is a god that wants us to hate ourselves, that is watching our words and thoughts, that leads countless women to depression about their lack of "perfection" then I say that is not a god I want to worship anyway.
Marcus Aurelius:
“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”
You deserve better
Friends, can I suggest something?Please remind yourself how unique and wonderful and amazing you are. Your personality isn't flawed, your body image is your own and no one else's, your every action isn't being watched, and even if it was (it isn't, stop thinking that) any god that would do that kind of thing isn't a god worthy of you. Yes, I've definitively flipped it around.
You are amazing and wonderful despite the self-judgement you've been drilled with, maybe for your whole life. And if there is a god that is keeping a "movie of your life" and it includes bullshit like the stuff we've been taught in the Mormon church, that is no god for me.
Love. Peace.
I'm making the journey with you, so we have each other.
