So where do I start? First let me assure everyone we're doing great. Naturally leaving the church is a pretty big change, we anticipated a fallout, we expected to lose our friends, offend family, and cause angst among members of our religious community. While we had plenty of negative response, we're really grateful to the few friends that accepted us and reached out to us. We love you.
The rest of this may seem a little too positive so if you were hoping for some schadenfreude you may want to stop reading ;)
The last year has been simply amazing. So many first experiences, so many new friends, a chance to spend more family time together, a chance to enjoy more music and art, Rebecca and I are in a whirlwind of deeper engagement in our lives. To be perfectly honest, it has astonished us.
Let me describe what questions go through the minds of folks like us (many folks are still in the church and struggling with these same questions):
Our marriage? All our friends know that Rebecca and I have always been very close. Each year we can't believe it gets better, but somehow it does. And this last year has been amazing. Our first drinks together turned out to be a really special and enjoyable experience for us. And coffee? Why in the world were we avoiding such a wonderful treat!? We have a few cups a week and the variety and subtle flavors, wonderful! We really enjoy all the music we participate in (the glorious music and dance, lots of new musician friends), weekend nights, pub laughs, sports events and friends.
Every weekend night there is a chance to connect with friends, it's been a sweet journey. The Goodfoot? What a great place. Bailey's Taproom? Hipster paradise ;) And in one aspect it's great that we are older before drinking because it's really enjoyable and we have each other to keep us safe.
What about my friends in the church? It's incredibly hard to imagine giving up your friends, we really do want to cling to you. But we know that many just aren't comfortable with anything outside of church life and, by necessity, we've found ourselves so much more engaged in deep meaningful connections with new friends, work friends, neighbors. It's a really wonderful thing to have those great pub conversations with friends, new and old. I wouldn't trade that for the world now. Now that we've been out, we realized that almost all of our time with friends before we left the church was dominated by church events, church services, temple related activities, youth nights, church callings... I realized that I avoided social interaction with people outside the faith and at least part of it is because I didn't feel comfortable talking to people at a pub. Just about all my interests and investment was with the church.
Friends outside the church? We've also been astonished to find that the community of people that have similarly left the church is so large (and so fast growing). We found several local groups, lots of folks right here in the general Hillsboro area. One group we attend meets on Sundays, we elected a spiritual leader and we pay 10% of our income... kidding, totally kidding. No but seriously there is a large community of other people here that have come from similarly devout backgrounds in the LDS church and that they also discovered for themselves it just isn't true. So we jointly talk about where we are and how we feel about our lives outside the church.
What about the kids?: yes, we asked ourselves this but in hindsight it turns out to be a silly question. The more honest version of that question is "What will the kids think about our leaving the church?" The kids are fine and, in fact, they are more confident, less riddled with self-doubt, happier, more friends, more accepting of others. It turns out teaching kids to be kind and have empathy is just as easily done outside the church. Are their morals going astray? Opinions about coffee drinking, how many earrings, etc. just aren't really "morals".
I need to say on this topic, if you have kids growing up in your home and you have doubts about the church, please, for the sake of your family and love of your children, think quickly on this. The number of friends we've met where one or more of their kids has cut them off because the kid went on a mission, went to BYU, etc. and now considers his/her parent(s) apostate and has cut them out of his/her life... it's heartbreaking.
What about life after death?: Existential angst is one of those first scary things you'll face. One day you are in bed believing that the Mormon faith has all the answers and then the next night you are looking at the ceiling and realize it may not be real... mind blown. What do you do? The First Vision and the godhead wasn't accepted as LDS cannon until the 20th century? Brigham Young, as prophet and until the day he died, thought that Elohim and Adam were the same being?! But the Temple... the First Vision... Holy crap! Aaagggh!
Breathe. OK. Back to reality. The truth is, we just don't know what is/isn't out there. One thing we can know is that there isn't one truth, the LDS faith isn't "more correct" than other philosophies and in some ways that's a real comfort. It's ok to wonder, humans have wondered, pondered and hoped since 40K+ years BC, tens of thousands of years before the judeo-christian god. It's not knowable but it's worthy of thought. But the simple fact is that we live our beautiful and simple lives, we love, we embrace, we play with our kids, we breathe in the glorious air and we dream. And that's enough. There are hundreds of millions that believe the Muslim faith is the true faith, hundreds of millions that believe in Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism and Christianity. But I'm not sure the number of followers can make reality change one way or the other. Find peace now, right here in this life, and I'm convinced that any possible eternity will be in harmony with the peace and enjoyment we found in life.
Anyway, I'll save our more exciting adventures for some other time. Maybe you'll join us for dinner and we can share? Or a pub? ;)
Love y'all.
Paul
